Family Matters- Facing The Tough Issues

Is there a tough issue in your family that you are facing at the present time? Is it new, or something you’ve been dealing with for a while? Have you talked to the other person or people about it? Have you prayed about it? Is there any kind of resolution possible, or is it one of those things that you just aren’t going to be able to change? If you can’t change it, how can you not let it consume you?

King Phyrrus of Epirus defeated the Romans at Heraclea in 280 b.c. and Asculum in 279 b.c. His casualties were so great, though, that he said at the time, “If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly destroyed.” Thus, we have the term Phyrric Victory, where the cost of the victory in terms of casualties is so high, that it is hardly a victory at all. Think about some of the battles you are waging in your family. If you win, will it be a “Phyrric Victory?” Will the “cost” be so great, that the victory will look more like a defeat when it’s all said and done. Pick your battles carefully, and be sure the outcome is worth the price that will be paid.

Serenity Prayer

God…Grant me the serenity to accept the things

I cannot change, the courage to change the things

I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

What are some things going on in your family right now that you are not going to be able to change? Are you still trying to change them? What are some things you CAN change? Are you using your energy to do just that?

Here again is the weekly challenge….

Do you need to talk to a family member about a tough issue? Why not this week? If possible, do it face to face and alone. Prepare in advance. Be fair and respectful. Choose your words carefully and speak clearly and have this conversation just once. Don’t nag. Above all else…Pray, Pray, Pray. Remember the Serenity Prayer.

Family Matters- Seize the 3 C's When You Disagreeze

In the book, The Dance of Anger, author Harriet Lerner offers some valuable questions to ask ourselves when we are feeling angry, questions that might help us stay calm as we deal with that anger. Think of someone, especially someone in your extended family, who you are upset with and ask yourself these questions:

• What am I really angry about? What is triggering the anger?
• What is the problem and whose problem is it?
• How can I sort out who is responsible for what?
• How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?
• When I am angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?
• What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?

If you have internet access, go to www.youtube.com and search for the song The Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics. Listen to the song, paying special attention to the lyrics. Remember this song when you think you have all the time in the world to reconcile the conflicts you have with someone else, especially someone in your family.

What is the major source of disagreement in your extended family? What can you do to help disarm this source of conflict the next time you meet?

Which is the most challenging for you…to be civil, calm, or clear? Pray daily this week for God’s help with all of these, but especially for the most challenging.

Family Matters - Having Realistic Expectations

Much information for this message series was found in the book, Loving Your Relatives (Even When You Don’t See Eye to Eye by David & Claudia Arp and John & Margaret Bell, including these Re-mix questions.

“To grow up, it is necessary to forgive your parents. When you do not forgive them it means you are clinging to them in the hope that if you can make them feel guilty enough they will finally come through with more parenting.” (P. 35)

Do you agree, disagree, or a little of both, with what is said here? Is there anything for you to forgive your parents for? Have you done that? If not, what are you waiting for? Take some time an pray about it. If your parents are not still alive, do you still think it is possible to forgive them? Dead or alive, try writing a letter to your parents in which you forgive them. If they are alive and you need to share the letter with them, do it. Otherwise, dead or alive, just put it in a drawer. The act of writing the letter often is enough.

On p. 36 the Arps and the Bells say this:

Let us encourage you to never end a family relationship—even if you feel deep hurts from past offenses by family members. Realize over time things change. If you cut off the relationship and refuse reconciliation, the seeds of bitterness will remain and your heart will harden. Yuour anger and frustratin wil not go away just because you refuse to forgive or seek forgiveness.

Give some thought to what is written here. Is there a family member that you need to reconcile with? What would it take to make that happen? Pray, pray, pray about the situation.

On p. 38 we read:

Understand where your expectations come from by processing your history with your own parents and in-laws. Is your relationship with your own parents and in-laws positive or negative? If they have passed away, what was your relationship like before they died? Those relationships have a direct bearing on how you relate to the younger generation. If we were not affirmed and supported growing up, we may slip back into looking to others and affirmation and approval as if we were still children. If we were manipulated emotionally, we may unintentionally do the same to others. You might need to go beyond the examples of the family in your life and choose different role models to follow.

Give some though to what is written here. Does any of it ring true for you? If so, it might help to talk to a close friend about it, to share your feelings, to kind of bring it out and deal with it. And as always, pray.

iServe - Open the Floodgates

When it comes time for the offering at church, do you think of it as a necessary evil, an act of obedience, an opportunity for thanksgiving, an extension of worship, or a combination of more than one of these?

Is putting money in the offering bag like putting a donation in at the Little League field? How is it similar? How is it different?

When you hear talk about money at church, do you react negatively, positively, or neutrally? Take a couple of minutes and consider WHY you react as you do? What causes that reaction? Do things from your past affect how you feel currently?

As we said in the message, tithing is giving 10%, ideally the first 10% of what comes in. Think about how much you give and calculate what percent that is of what you make. How close are you to tithing? What would it take for you to begin tithing? Do you need to ease into it, a few percentage points at a time, or are you willing to plunge all in?

As we said in worship, what would happen if for a month or two you tried tithing, taking 10% right off the top? What’s the worst that could happen if you tried this and it didn’t work out for you? What’s the best that could happen if you tried it and it DID work out for you?